I recently saw this list – 20 Sentences I Wish I Had Read Sooner in Life. All of the sentences are powerful. (I am not sure who to give credit as there are many) “You teach people how to treat you by what you tolerate.” jumped off the page. I was recently working with an older teenaged boy around this topic. “I know they are talking trash about me, but I pretend I don’t know. I still talk with them.” Even though he acknowledged their behavior is hurtful, he swallows it down and puts on a smile. He wants to be “nice.” Enter the birth of people pleasing. No matter who you are, this is often a common challenge.
How often have you said yes when you wanted to say no? Tolerated the behavior of another just to keep the peace? Walked on eggshells or swallowed your own pain as to not upset or hurt someone else? Take on too much for others? Often, I work with people who experience patterns of people treating them without respect, expecting them to bend over to the desires and expectations of others, and finding men or women who disregard their needs or wellbeing.
I can’t tell you how many times I personally used to do some of these things. As a child, I didn’t learn how to stand up for myself, how to set boundaries or say no when it would have been much better to do so. I didn’t see how those things were done. So, I repeated what I saw and more. Today, I still sometimes find the subtle tenacles of people pleasing reaching out. I now am able to recognize the signs and stop myself way sooner than in the past.
Letting others walk all over us does not serve them or us. Sometimes, we do this with our children, which certainly does not help them in the long run. We teach others how to treat us by the limits and boundaries we set or do not set. We teach others how to treat us whether or not we communicate clearly what we will accept or not accept. We teach others how to treat us by following along. By not speaking up. By not having healthy boundaries.
Often those who over-do for others, who have people pleasing tendencies have difficulty setting boundaries or even believing that they are worthy or capable of setting boundaries or being able to flat-out say no.
We are taught as children, usually, to “be nice”. Sometimes the “be nice” line gets blurry when we aren’t shown the line between being kind and nice and putting our self-worth at risk, putting ourselves last leading to lack of self-worth, exhaustion and perhaps resentment.
If you or someone you care about falls into any of these patterns, it is more than possible to change! First, as scary as it may feel, it’s possible. As much as you fear that people won’t love you or will leave, most will still love you. They might not like that you no longer bend to their will, but most will not leave. Those who do leave, (aka more on the lines of toxic relationships) probably need to do so anyway.
Here are some steps you can take to put the curb on the “too nice” people pleasing part of you:
- Ask yourself if whatever you are about to do or have been asked to do is what YOU want to do. If it’s no, but I should… It’s a NO. If it’s a, I would rather not, ask yourself why you are doing the thing. If it’s taking responsibility for someone else’s actions or lack thereof, let them take responsibility for their own behavior.
- If you do whatever you about to do or been asked to do, how will you feel? Will you be happy and filled up? Or will you feel resentful, frustrated and drained?
- Ask yourself how you really want to be treated and then how are you teaching this person to treat you? (This might be family, friends, employers, volunteer situations, etc.)
- Explore your beliefs about what you deserve and what you have the right to do or not do. Test this out: “I have the right to say no to anything I don’t want to do without justification.
- Be kind to yourself! Self-compassion is critical to help silence the inner voice that nags at us.
This is short list for a very complicated life pattern. One resource I have found immensely valuable is the book, Not Nice, by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. Highly recommend!
I would love to hear from you. What has worked for you? Where are you struggling? When you think of shifting from people pleasing what happens for you? How do you allow self-compassion?
If you would like further support, the horses and I are happy to work with you!
In joy and releasing old stories,
Brenda & the herd
